a n i m a t i o n . w o r d s & p i c t u r e s . f o r u m
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Why My Balls Know More Than the BibleBy: Ass-Slapper03.09.02  Me after my undergrad ceremony. If I didn't come from a monkey, I've lost faith in reality. Line it up, butterballs! We're at war! Quit eyeballing me, son, or I'll tear your arm off and beat you with the wet end of it! Drop that smirk, Private Bitch - I don't wanna have your children! Intelligence, common sense, and the forward progression of society are under attack, and we've got to suck it up and go on the defensive!  He's back, he's cloudy, and he's PISSED. "I made ALL this shit, mother fucker!" In 1961, two backward-assed fucks named Morris and Whitcomb somehow managed to string a few coherent sentences together, releasing a book entitled "The Genesis Flood: The Biblical Record and its Scientific Implications." Somehow, in the process of breaking every single rule of scholarship and scientific process, they became the new world grandfathers of what is affectionately (and wrongly) referred to as "creation science." You see, kiddies, things like geology, evolution, biochemistry, ecology, they all fall under a broad category called "science." Science, as a whole, is governed by certain fundamental characteristics - one of which is the scientific process. When a researcher comes out with a theory, it is almost immediately scrutinized, analyzed, argued, anally probed, picked over for accuracy and applicability. If a given theory is proven wrong, the science community, as well as the researcher who made the proposal, must accept that, and try to find a different answer. Thus, the wheel of progress continues to turn. Morris and Whitcomb, on the other hand, set into motion a rather peculiar scientific method of their own - one which has served to progress the cause of Creationism as a whole. Its called "stupid-assed picking and choosing." M & W essentially take the points that they can argue from reputable sources, and ignore the ones that they cannot. That's why The Genesis Flood convinced so many people - it only consisted of the evidence that supports their claim.  The headquarters of the Van Andel Creation Research Centre. Are you as scared as I am? It looks like a...a space station! Fast forward 40 years, and these ignorant bible-thumping sheep-fuckers are attacking at full strength. Using that same unbelievable tactic, people like Duane Gish have done their best to convince the masses that Creationism, the belief that God suddenly created the Universe the way it is, is in fact a science. Creationism, which presents Genesis as literally and historically true, is not science. It is faith crudely disguised as science. The Book of Genesis? Literal? Itıs a proven fact that the first chapter in history's most famous action-adventure novel is a mess. A culmination of three different myths, scholars have no way of knowing what the original tale, or who the original author, were. Allow me to run down a few of the finer points of this "literal" account of history. - According to Old Testament timelines, the universe came into existence in the year 4004 b.c.e, give or take a few months. (What about dinosaurs? Millions of years of sedimentary build-up? Erosion remnants?) - A catastrophic flood covered the entire world. (And yet, a bird found land for Noah to dock his ship at? Don't even get me started on the logistics of the Ark itself!) - Life, and our entire gene pool, began with Adam and Eve. (And yet, after Cain and Abel, other people just "exist" for them and their children to fuck?)  Science! Technology! Creationists using state of the art 70's Soviet Union electro-whazzit machinery to prove God exists! Amazing! More precisely, the essential characteristics of science are: (1) It is guided by natural law; (2) It has to be explanatory by reference to nature law; (3) It is testable against the empirical world; (4) Its conclusions are tentative, i.e. are not necessarily the final word; and (5) Its is falsifiable. If Creationists follow any of these principles, I'll be a monkey's uncle.  Me, as said monkey. Never gonna happen. Fuck you for staring at me! I've said it before, and I'll say it again; you believe whatever the hell you want. Even if you ignore science, and embrace a world of clouded stupidity, that is your choice and I will respect it. Just keep in mind that the Old Testament was "...intended to educate the reader about morality, with colour and energy." Most of the Old Testament tales are nothing more than Confucius fortune cookie quips, Aesops fables, and Disney short films; they are meant as a vessel for proper education of living, nothing more. But, I digress.  A Creationist, teaching Creation science the only way he knows how. "Stand tall, mah children...we ain't evah monkeys...no Lord!" Creationists approach the scientific method a little differently than normal researchers and scholars. Instead of trying to prove their fucked-up point, they attack concepts such as evolution, plate tectonics, and paleontology, to name a few. Itıs the old, "Oh yeah? Well...look at what HE did!" maneuver. Let's delve into a few of these, shall we? 1. The second law of thermodynamics prohibits the development of order from disorder. - Sounds pretty scientific and fancy, doesn't it? One immediately gets an image of the snake oil salesman, telling the audience that some famous doctor from some place said something good about their product. The second law applies exclusively to states of energy, you Goddamned cock-rangers. Even if we take it further, things such as snowflakes or crystalline formations occur from chaos, do they not? Creationists answer this challenge by saying that such examples don't count, since God is the guiding force behind such occurrences. God. A symbol itself of order coming from chaos...not very scientific, is it? Sounds more like a sweaty preacher in a Louisiana tent.  Bitch, don't you EVEN be lookin at me, oh else I be pullin' my Mac-10 and bussin' you back to the African emmigration 25,000 years ago! Now gimme yo wallet, Cracker! 2. There are no transitory fossils to prove evolution. - I can give you numerous examples of proven transitory fossils currently being studied, but to spare you all unnecessary reading, here's one example: dromaeosaur, a small, fast running two-legged predator, covered in feathers that were absolutely not used for flight. According to everyone who has had a chance to analyze the fossils, a link between dinosaurs and birds (besides the 300+ physical similarities that birds and lizards already share) has finally been found. 3. There are a few cases of carbon and radioisotope dating calculating the wrong date of an item, in some cases being off by millions of years. - I never scored higher than a 75% in any math test I ever took. Does that mean I'm worthless? Creationists fail to mention that, out of every failure, 341 tests prove accurate. Scientists use those dating methods - not retards. Items are tested many, many times, and a date is only accepted when it is the result in a vast majority of attempts. Grow up, Christ lovers.  How can you tell me we didn't come from him? He's just like a human, as he strangles his only child because of a crack overdose. Evolution at it's finest, for sure! What's the deal? Their "science" obeys no laws of scholarship or research; virtually all of its spokespeople have PhD's from non-accredited schools; they never accept debates, and always organize them, home field advantage and a largely religious audience to boot. The more you hear about these people, the more you realize that they are propagating Christianity as a cult; their ultimate goal is to have this evangelism taught in science classes, along with legitimate curriculum. However, except for a few rare cases, they are failing miserably, like the bible thumping bitches that they are. Why? Because they must debate their cause in front of a school board, in front of teachers - educated people. The fragility of their arguments become so very transparent when challenged, as they stand there, spouting the same tired "evidence" that they have always maintained. However, gone is the largely Christian audience. Gone is the ability of charisma and rhetoric to turn the tide of a debate. It is just them, a scientific representative, and an audience that knows better. Time and time again, their "science" gets ass fucked like a pasty white man in prison - they are raked through the coals by reason, and left for dead. (One can only dream.)  Learn their asses a lesson or two, you old bastard! Booya! It brings me great joy to update you on their most recent failures: 1. On January 24th, 2002, a Pennsylvania school board dick-smacked Steve Grohman's (a young earth creationist, who maintains that the world is just over 6000 years old) attempt at holding a seminar in front of school children, during school hours. Using absolutely no scientific evidence, his presentation was judged as "evangelistic, preachy, just the kind of religious fanaticism that is not allowed, nor should ever be allowed, in our schools." The American Civil Liberties Union, rightly deciding that his presence during school hours was unconstitutional, threatened to sue the board if it went ahead with the planned presentation by saying "In 1925, the ACLU represented John Scopes in the famous Tennessee 'Monkey Trial.' That is the last time we have lost one of these cases." Fucking right! Logic and reasoning won in the end, as the West Greene board voted 6-3, denying Father Grohman a fresh batch of victims.  Take THAT, Grohman, you fucking Jesus-Rimmer! Where's your Messiah NOW? 2. Late last year, the Kansas Board of Education overturned an earlier decision not to allow evolution to be taught in classrooms. After almost every parent, teacher, scholar, and the President himself referred to it as a digression back to the dark ages, a humiliated board decided to once again embrace proper science education. 3. Rodney LeVake, a teacher in Minnesota, lost his last appeal on May 8th of 2001 to teach creationism in the classroom. His claim that it was his right of freedom of speech to preach bullshit to his students was essentially laughed out of court. Again. It was their finding that, as a teacher, his obligation to educate students according to the state curriculum overruled his first amendment rights as a citizen. Fucking Cack.  Creationist Duane Gish comforts LeVake after his National de-pantsing, right before having him assassinated for failure in spreading the word of God. God doesn't tolerate failure. Why don't you Christians take a fucking hint? You, the Mormons, the Jehovahıs...you push, you prod, you coerce, you lie, you threaten people to embrace your beliefs. Why can't you learn from the Muslims, Hindu, Bhuddists, Anglicans, and Catholics? I never get door to door Koran pushers. No one ever tells me that the path to true happiness is in the arms of a multi-armed Elephant-man-God. Religion is a belief - a personal belief - and I honestly and truly respect such things. But you Christ lovers, you really know how to push my limits...forcing your beliefs into schools and government is unacceptable in a modern society, and you fucking know it. Your God can run your lives in your house at night, in the mornings, on weekends, and I'm sure He's great motivation during the day. But in schools, in court, in legislature, I only want reason and intelligence. I don't go out and kill people, or steal, because I know its wrong and I try to be a moral person.  Yeah, sure, baby, I love your family. Your mom's great. Dad's nice. Now suck my fatty-boom-batty man-staff before I cuff that stupid chimp grin off your face. In 200,000 more years, I'll be 6 feet tall and I'll OWN your ass! A fucking book has nothing to do with it. |
