a n i m a t i o n . w o r d s & p i c t u r e s . f o r u m
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Britney's Big SecretBy: Josh04.19.02 You know, I'm beginning to think fouff from Bigmeats has access to the satellite the government's been using to read my mind: I once entertained the idea of a post about fat people and the endless joy to be had from the mere fact that they weigh more than I do, and fouff beat me to it. We never discussed the idea with each other, our conversations tend to be limited to hot sweaty AIM sex, and slightly less sweaty e-mail sex. I also recently entertained the idea of a post about the irony of calling a movie with three god-awful sequels: one a straight-to-video release, another a made-for-television mini-series The Neverending Story, complete with specially crafted jokes about the "never-ending suck", and the story "may be never-ending but so is AIDS . . . . think about it." but of course, fouff is in the process of beating me to it as well. Since I get fun and exciting ideas about as often as the FOX network, I'm going to pull out the big guns(big guns = ideas I originally thought were too stupid to post) to keep myself one step ahead of that crafty bastard. So, faithful reader, I'm now going to prove without a shadow of a fact, that Britney Spears was really born a man. First off: Britney is known for the revealing clothing she often wears in her videos and on stage, but perhaps this picture, taken at a recent concert, revealed a little more then she was expecting.  Britney Happy Penis? Now, some of you may be thinking: case closed. The penis that's quite obviously been photoshopped onto her picture is surely proof enough that Josh is a flaming retard. Well, ye of little faith, I ALSO happen to have pictures of facial hair photoshopped onto her. You really jumped the gun on that whole "retard" thing - we haven't even dipped into the REAL meat of this post yet. Wait a second: Meat?? Penis?? Father's lock up them daughters, CAP'N PUN'S IN TOWN. The first inklings I got that Britney was really born a man came from her tell-tale lyrics about sexual ambiguity and masturbation. Well, actually the first inkling I got was when I tried to figure out why she was dating flamboyantly gay Mouseketeer Justin Timberlake - STEREOTYPES HOOOOOO! - but, it all made sense when I realized that dating a man who would never try to get into her pants was the best way to cover her ass. Because gay men sure do like ass OMG! It all started with the single "I'm a Slave 4 U" which begins with the words "All you people look at me like I'm a little girl, but . . ." which should have made at least a few people stop and think. Maybe I'm the only person who doesn't mute the sound while jacking off to her video, I don't know. I think there's some more words after the "but" but they don't help my case in any way, so let's assume "but I'm a man" is all she was looking to say. It's the lyrics to her latest single "Not a girl, not yet a woman" that really delve into this idea of sexual ambiguity though. Even in the title itself she tells us shes "not a girl" but still "not yet a woman," which I only assume to mean she has yet to lop off Mr. Winky The Fun-Stick, which I capitalized like a proper name for some reason. With a closer look at some of the lyrics for this song, you'll see what I mean - Feels like I'm caught in the middleUnless you are one of those men who likes to wear make-up, saying the words "I'm not a girl" over and over should be reserved for those occasions when you find yourself backstage at the Rosie O'Donnell show or face-to-face with Celine Dion's husband. note: by "those men," no implications of sexual orientation was intended. I know you're happily married. And, yes, you look very pretty I'm not a girl, don't tell me what to believeHelloooo identity crisis. She seems to be lashing out, "don't tell me what to believe." Be free Britney - I believe in you! And then we get to the chorus - I'm not a girl- and the outro - But if you look at me closelyHow blatant is that? If I didn't need humourously altered pictures to make this post worth reading, I'd rest my case right now. Of course anyone with enough spare time and very low IQ could find these sort of hidden messages in any of her lyrics. "Crazy" is of course a song about masturbation, an Ode to her Penis, which I capitalized like a proper name for some reason. Baby (reference to penis) , I'm so into you (the penis is liked)  Yeah, it's true, fouff would never have thought of this Some also noted the fact that Britney left the lyric "I can't get no girly action" intact when she covered the Rolling Stones song "Satisfaction". In a news conference, a reporter from a Gay and Lesbian magazine asked her if this was an attempt to reach out to her young, gay and lesbian fans. She said that's what Justin is for(HOOOOOOO!) but, the sad truth is, Britney's reaching her sexual peak, hormones running are wild and she really can't get no girly action. She has to suppress all these urges: think of what would happen if something like this ever got out.    This string of photos clearly show Britney maturing from a small boy, into one of those boys that are so pretty you just want to punch for looking like they do, meanwhile your pores are huge, your hair has no bounce, and what's to be done with this combination skin? I ASK YOU, WHAT?? And finally we see her as we know her today: as the white Rupaul. Let's throw common sense to the wind for a second, and set the scene. I'm sure many of us have seen the footage of Britney singing in talent competitions as a child, and all the pictures and footage of her in the Mickey Mouse Club, unless you're crazy and like to avoid bad things of course. YOU'RE the freak here, not me. All I can guess is that somewhere along the lines she must have realized that a sex-change would be the only way to get any success. What made her think that having blonde hair, giant tits and a nice ass would help her make it in the music world, I'll never know.  "I'm lucky that my breasts are small and humble, so you don't confuse me - with Britney" I figure there can only be two reasons Britney would have had a sex change: one - she woke up one day, just felt like being a woman. Two - she was forced to do it for some reason. Now, before you judge me on what I'm about to say, I want you to remember the time you were idly channel-surfing, and found yourself watching Saved By The Bell: The New Class . . .and laughing. Don't deny it, you were laughing. Or how you used to tape Baywatch Nights because you were working the days it came on. What I'm trying to get at here is we all have skeletons in our closet, things we'd rather not remember, and just because I occasionally watch Oprah doesn't make me any less of a man. Laugh if you want: at least I'm not the one sitting at the computer on a Friday night, reading about Britney Spears' dick, YOU FUCKING LOSER.  Oprah: Is that a Penis in your pants, or are you just happy to see me? Britney: HAHAHA, Josh is sooo funny!! You didn't really say that at all!! Oprah: It's not funny, it makes no sense: both options result in penis. Britney: You smell like fried chicken. Studies have actually proven that the less the sense you make, the funnier you actually are. !!112@OMGLOL DaO JOO KSNOEW PABABBBHHO;IHV!@32#$#% Also, setting yourself up for a really bad joke is much funnier then setting yourself up for a good joke, or spending hours looking through gay porn to find dicks to crop onto Britney Spears' body.  OMG PENIS! If anyone is still in doubt about the likelihood of this sort of thing happening, I'd like you to take a closer look at that last picture. See anything odd about it?  Take away all the layers of rouge and eye shadow  Take away the wigs, the weaves, the extensions  And what do you have?  Take away the million-dollar tits,  And what do you have?  It's very sobering when something like this comes out: something that shatters the very foundations of our beliefs. The Monkees didn't play their own instrumrents. The Partridge Family wasn't actually related. Joanie HATED Chachi, and Britney Spears is a man. Perhaps it's not too late for her. Perhaps it's not to late for us. We can only pray  J.Lo's Real: Who Knew?
And just in case anyone out there thinks that dissecting bad pop singers lyrics for hidden meanings isn't an actual hobby of mine, read that. I trust you'll find that you really hate my fucking guts. |
