The Cack Came BackBy: Josh
A lot of people don't understand the pressures that the great minds of our time have to deal with. Look at George Lucas: any movie he makes has to have "Star Wars" in the title somewhere or people might realize that he seems to be mocking us. My god, can't these people ac-OHOHHHHH LIGHTSABRES!?1 The public's standards are just too high. He's got to draw on his past successes just to keep up payments on his yacht. If you don't believe me, watch More American Graffiti. Look at Gene Roddenberry: the man's put out no less then 20 spin-offs of Star Trek, and he's been dead for nearly 10 years. The public just can't get enough of men who wear unitards who speak gibberish about warp drives and trans-field-kafobbulators, and Sure "Enterprise" may suck, but let's see how many original ideas *you* come up with after you're dead, you judgmental prick.
Like these great men, I myself am forced to draw on my many VAST commercial successes to keep food on the table. Mmmmm, pretend food. The Naughty Bits Crusade: a little ditty I wrote after stumbling upon a website whose webmistress consistently asked her male readers to send her their cacks. I couldn't figure out why this girl was so cack-hungry: cacks rate up there with live autopsies on the visual-appeal scale, and professional man-porn would look a lot nicer then grainy webcam pictures of overweight, semi-erect, post-ejaculate e-nerds, and is, honestly I can't stress this enough, way way easier to obtain on the internet.
. . . .
. . . .
So very dirty
Shortly after, I received an e-mail from a very irate webmisstress, which explained the whole sticky, cack situation and kindly reamed me out for calling her a camwhore to boot. But since my old computer was a complete ass-bastard that often mistook the power button for the crash button, or the space bar for the COMPLETELY FUCK WITH MY SHIT AND FREEZE UP AND DIE MOTHERBITCH bar I was unable to access the internet until I bought a new computer, and since Hotmail is a complete, money-grubbing ass-bastard now, it often mistakes people who use their free service because it's free as complete retards who'll pay for it, especially if they decide to fuck with all their features, and delete your account if you don't sign-up every five minutes,b they decided to delete it.So I lost the e-mail but please allow me to duplicate as many pertinent parts as I can remember.
Awwwww, isn't she sweet? Off to balls indeed!
Basically, she said she asked men to send her their cack because she got a kick out of seeing how many guys would actually do it, that she thought it was funny people would do something like that and not get anything out of it. She also made it very clear, and I quote, that she was not " one of those camwhores who show their tits and ass to get people to buy them stuff."
OH NO! She stood too close to the camera and all we can see is her GODDAMN TITS!
With a little consideration I've come to the conclusion that she must be a fashion model. She probably likes to practice in front of the camera so she can check the pictures after to see if she has the poses right; shoulders back, tits out. Ahhh, time to update my wishlist! That would explain all the archives of pictures of her on the site. It all makes sense, I'll have to give her credit for this one, she hasn't lied to me yet. She certainly isn't a camwhore. Real camwhores use their feminine wiles to get popularity around the internet with webmasters who will get their sites lots of traffic.
OH NO! Some of her buttons popped open while she was sleeping! Quick! Wake up before someone accidentally sees YOUR FUCKING TITS
And how could I ever doubt someone so sweet? Look at that; even wishing Stile a happy birthday, it doesn't get any nicer than that, and do I see an ascii kiss? I THINK I DO! It's too bad she fell asleep while posing for Stile's happy birthday picture, she sorta looks like Jabba the Hut after Princess Leia chokes him to death with her slave chain.
:* :* :*
Then all of a sudden her TITS FELL OFF - HANG ON GIRL! HELP IS ON THE WAY! SEXY HELP!
Wow, she and Stile must be the best of friends; they even go to the same boating club. And displaying the proper way to give yourself a breast exam? I mean, man, what nobler cause is there? This girl is such a good role model for todays young women. I can't believe how wrong I was about her. I promise I will never prejudge anyone ever again. Miss, I commend you. You have opened my eyes to the error of my ways.
Hey, since no one's really reading this, so much as, you know, jacking off right now, let's recap the contents of her e-mail.
DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
1) I like cack
2) I wanted to see how many guys would do it, I think it's funny
3) These guys, they send me their cack, and they get nothing out of it, not even many, many pictures of my tits or ass
4) I do *not* show my tits and ass to get things, not like real camwhores who have wishlists that people buy them things off of, and sure I've had wishlists, but the guys who buy me things really like me for who I am, and want me to have the very best things in life, and sure I show my tits and ass every chance I get, but . . .uh . . .I do it to get hits, not things.
Ah, right, I guess I should have been more specific last time; she's not just any fashion model, she's an underwear model. Silly me. It's good she never forgets to put the address to her website in the corner of every picture she takes; I mean, if she didn't, how would guys who see those bras and panties, and wonder just what goes on in that girl's head, find a way to get to her website so they can read her cool-ass fucking blog? She's a smart one, this one, she knows guys are just itching to read a good, quality blog. "I wonder how her day at work was," they'll say, "and just what did she eat last night?" Thankfully she put the address to her website on those pictures of her modelling bras, otherwise no one would go to her site, because, you know, they wouldn't know what the address is.
Performance art! Wonderful piece!
OH NO! Her shirt shrank in the wash! WHAT'LL SHE DO?!?BETTER CALL IN THE SEXY HELP!
OH NO! NOW HER SHIRT AND HER BRA HAVE SHRUNK COMPLETELY OFF HER BODY! QUICK SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!
Okay, yeah okay, you suck on your finger, that might help...
I'll go to your wishlist and go buy everything there, will that help?
Right, right, save some dignity,
So, uh, hang on a second, why is it funny when guys send you pictures of their cacks, but perfectly normal for you to get naked? I mean, unless you're that arrogant, I've seen pictures of your pierced fucking clit in your photo archives, surely that's as funny a cack, right? Where does the humour come from in these men sending you their cacks?
Oh, right, right, because they don't get anything out of it. Stupid me, I FORGOT.
HOLD ON HERE! WHO'S GARY!?@!?
WHAT'S HE GETTING OUT OF THIS?!??@
How do you sleep at night?