a n i m a t i o n . w o r d s & p i c t u r e s . f o r u m
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My Favorite EmailsBy: Xerjester07.24.02 You know, Jim Ether is probably going to kill me for this, but such is life. The story must be told in this format, because quite frankly I'm far too busy plotting and planning my subsequent terrori-..er..I mean...'donating to the local religious collective' to stop and figure out another way to present this one.  Truly, a saint among e-saints. It's time for the sodom..er..blessing. You see, I've discovered this wondrous little gadget the kids of today call "the electronic mail". And I being hip with the times, check my "email" for the latest and greatest that you, the 6 readers out there, write to yours truly. Your ambitions. Your dreams. Your aspirations. Your death threats. Your sucktastic spelling and grammar.  "i 4 to b writin u cuz eye laff so hardd at u funni guy plz die faeg ok thx." You would think with eyes that fucking large she could read an English and Grammar book or two. *sighs*. So without further ado, I proudly and shamelessly rip off "My Favorite Reviews", by submitting what I like to call "My favorite emails". I very rarely get the chance to answer my email from FS visitors, so in lieu of that I decided to answer my personal favorites here for all of you to share and pass on to friends, family, and your respective sneaky ministers during "confessional hide the sausage".  "Don't worry sweetie. Xerjester isn't real, he's only an online character. Now how's about that rimjob after Barney and friends for Daddy?" These individuals reached out to me. Some of them even touched me. Some of them pulled away with little more than a bloody stump for their troubles. But whatever the case, I tried to make a difference in each and every one of their e-lives. So when you see that robust young lad with the twinkle in his eyes, the rosy cheeks, and the double-bannana clip ak-47 assault rifle mowing down nun after screaming nun, you can think to yourself, "Xerjester made an impact on that child". and then you can feel free to duck and cover. Ready? Well we're off to the races: 
"You can't talk that way about EverQuest you fag! OMG Just you wait till I pry my ass out of this chair and lose 400 lbs to climb out of my parents basement, asshole! You're are SO getting prank called!" Baragon Mistwalker writes: Apparently you just sucked at EQ eh? I know all the buttons can be confusing. Oh well, there is always the old pen and paper RPG for the computer illiterate. BTW that was the biggest laugh I have got in ages, reading your spew about Everquest. I could have done without your obvious fetish for the penis though. Perhaps you might consider just coming on out of the closet.... Dork.  Baragon Mistwalker is a winner kids, a WINNER. You see, my particular EQ sermon got alot of attention like this. Didn't I tell you any dissenting opinion about EQ was met with a sloberring mass of addicts rising against you to shut you up? Can't let the truth out now, can we? Eq addicts: more effective than the Government at hushing up facts.  "FASTER, Baragon! FASTER! The next release from Everquest lies just over that pile of broken dreams and hopes! HYAH!" Well to answer you....Baragon MISTWALKER ( tee hee. and I'm the dork here.) I thank you for the letter and the massive allusion to your own homo-errogenous struggle deep within your cheeto-laced soul. I think it's great that you equate not playing Everquest with computer illiteracy considering that's all you can possibly do with your mother's tired PC. No, Baragon, the cd-rom drive is NOT a cupholder, contrary to popular belief. I also think it's utterly charming how you advise me to come out of the closet. This coming from an EQ addict who's screenick resembles a sad excuse for a drag queen's stage name. Thanks for writing. I'll let you get back to your level 56 Pink elf orgy and the mystic bard playing "it's raining dwarves"....yes...+2.  It's a prestigious honor, Baragon Mistwalker. I salute you. Joe Dalton writes: Just read you flame on eq i personaly dont know the game but it seems like fun. isnt it? Cause i like the thought of playing a game with other people i play some games well 1 actualy but whatever game online and think its pretty funny and i was planning to buy a game like eq sooner or later. So is it realy no fun or is it just no fun because some geeks are totaly hooked (and do they realy trade players for money cause thats kinda pathetic) Oh well if you got any time let me know if those games are any fun cause i dont feel like blowing my money on a poor game. Well thanks for the info, Joe. To answer your..um..questions..it's fun if you are into that sort of progressive raping. If you honestly enjoy the sensual and intimate feel of a serrated sandpaper-coated dildo jackhammering you in your ass, then by all means purchase this wonderful title called Everquest. In the meantime though, i suggest tossing some cash in the direction of an "English for Dummies" handbook. I mean...for fuck's sake man, at least learn punctuation. It took me 30 minutes to piece together what it was you were trying to say. That's prime art-fagging time that was wasted. I award you the Jester-Globe for the world's most fractured and run-on sentence.  That's right Susie, that's the letter A. As In I should have had an A-bortion you illiterate little slut. Hmm? No mommy still loves you. Yes Mommy loves her little meal-ticket." And then there were the religious... J B (CyberChic) writes: Hey, I'm a Christian. Do I rub my ass in other people's faces over the internet about it? No. But does that mean I deny it completely? No. I'll say what I am. Don't let everyone with any "relgious beliefs" just automatically fall under the sterotype, ok? I'm a goth-scary Christian, not the conventional type, and I like it that way 
....wow. Adjectives fail me. Kegan Dowe writes: I just read your articel on Dot-Communism, and thought I'd write you. Whether me writing you does any good or not, hopefully you'll take the time to read this. But you know what, I realized when I was in your situation, that you have to pick one or the other, or you will go to hell. Why? Well, if you truly love God and Jesus, then you'll want to follow him with your heart, and not "conform" to the secular culture. You have faith in God, and let him manage your life, throw you into lows, and "bring" you back to him and make you happy. But you know what, life is no different, Christian or non-Christian. Bad shit happens, then good shit happens. That's how it works, I personally think that prayer does nothing, or at least when I believed God never answered my prayers. Well Mr. Dowe, I most certainly took the time to read, since you took the time to write. Only fair isn't it? And I most certainly respect your views because you respected mine enough not to bitch me out overtly. Only fair, isn't it? And since you completely steamrolled and ignored my beliefs, I'm going to steamroll and ignore yours. Only fair. Isn't it?  It's easterchristbirthmas day everyone! Praise allah! I'm SUCH a fucking lil sinner! Sara writes: i agree with everything else you wrote in "why jesus loves everyone...except you," but, unfortunately, the bible is the bestselling book of all time. or so i've been told. You'll forgive me for pointing out that writing "I agree with everything you wrote in..." and following it up with a disagreement of a fact contained therein is a bit...well...hypocritical. The Bible, as you say, is the best selling novel of all time? Actually, it's not. Collectively, all the versions together are in fact the most sold book of all time, true, but in and of itself it's not the most distributed and sold book. It has not held a spot in the Bestseller's list, and because of the new revisions printed almost daily, it probably never will. There's simply too many interpretations of the same text. Now Harry Potter on the other hand is an excellent Christian book. No...really..Ok Ok it's evil. But perhaps you can pick up a copy of "The Satanic Verses" which , ironically enough, has been on the bestseller's list numerable times. Happy reading. the nuked ant writes: You know, its funny how so many people have so much to say, when they really know very little at all. I read so many stories, pity-me stories, and whaaaa stories, and, I was force fed Jesus stories, that I must be a huge market for Kleenex. -pass the tissue-. See, people that complain about the Christian, know very little about that way of life. So many that persecute us, and claim that we are hypocrites, had their feelings hurt some way or another, at some time, and cant take it upon themselves to get over it. Dont be a fool....if you know so much about the bible, then obviously you know it says to 'work out your OWN soul's salvation." If you dont READ AND STUDY the Word, then yes, you have no excuse when the time comes, because you were led astray by another man on the pulpit cryin out to you. You cant blame anyone but you, if you didnt read it yourself. If the man of God, doesnt act the way, that Jesus did, (which I am sure that you know, because you are so knowledgeable in the word) then, well, huh....maybe thats a false prophet....or wow, maybe a false teacher...which, coincidentally, just happens to be talked about in the bible....imagine that. Better get right, cause when you die, and sit before God for judgement...you will remember all the chances you had. Later........Jesus Loves You.  Yep. I'm crying all the way to the jewpiles, Mr. ant. Thank you for showing me the way. A brief translation of Mr. nuked ant's tirade for those of you who are not fluent in fucking idiot: "You don't know the bible well enough! You complain because you don't knwo the right way of life! You were never force-fed jesus! No one has! You persecute us for no reason! You call us hypocrites when you don't even know us! Why not try READING AND STUDYING!!! The Bible says "work out your own salvation" but also says there's only ONE true way to God! Don't confuse me with facts, you sinner! You are a fool! You are going to hell! Oh ..yeah..jesus loves you."  Tip number one: It's honestly where the cool people are going. Trust me. Peer pressure- everyone's doing it. I didn't know radioactive ants fought so hard for Christ. Thank you sir, for proving me right. I guess the fact that I happen to be Christian completely escaped you. well I guess it would since I don't happen to attend your particular backwoods hoe-down of a revival every "youth night".  "Jesus loves me and is saving me from hell...but why won't he save me from the other children/ why do they throw bananas at me? Mother says daddy drinks because I cry...daddy's new wife Robert says so too..." You'll find the empty crosses right over there next to the complimentary swastikas, sir. Lost Dragon writes: i've been reading alot of what you rant on about on the FS website and i have to say that most of what you say makes alot of sence. You seem to have an uncanny knack of pointing out the truths that people blindly look past. This all makes me wonder how you live your life, but perhaps it is to keel all the idiots and bigots of america? Well as a matter of fact here's my daily itinerary- 10:00 am : wake up and stare at the alarm clock till the numbers stop dancing. 12:00 pm : finally stop staring at the alarm clock which, as it turns out, is an anime I left playing in the VCR from the night before. 1:00 pm : eat something roughly resembling food and listen to music. 1:30 pm : keel all the idiots and bigots of america 3:00 pm : dishes. 4:00 pm - I fall asleep: Plan my itinerary for tomorrow, ponder over why the alarm clock is speaking in japanese again. Cry. Drink. Cry. Yep, Lost Dragon you hit the nail on the head with that one. Thanks for your letter. ILikeMike225 P.S. By the way....I doubt any of the Everquest freaks your sermon is preaching to are going to read it. It's odd that you would get hate mail from Everquest players. It seems odd that they might get off of Everquest long enough to read your sermon, let alone write back. That would take away much too much time that they need to earn that 50,000,000,000 platinum that they need to buy that +35 wisdom centi-war-hammer.  This lucky everquest addict likes to browse child pornography and wear aluminum hats in his spare time. And ladies, he's SINGLE! Not at all Mike225, most hardcore Everquest players can detach themselves from the game long enough to enjoy a wide variety of fun and exciting activities, such as crotch itching, mouth-stuffing, pondering suicide, arguing with parents over computer time, masturbation, checking the status of their sold characters on ebay, and writing the collective adventures of their Everquest character in between sobbing into their half-empty tubs of Ben and Jerry's. And among all this, they take the time to write me via email. why? Because that means they get to do something different without having to leave their computer. Hoorah for variety, the spice of life and greasy-fingered EQ fuckwits alike. And this one, Ladies and Gentlemen, takes the fucking e-cake. I got this recently and it floored me. Mary writes: Hey. My name is mary and I am an everquest widow. I have been married for 2 years to a man who had always been into gaming. no biggie. I myself am occasionally drawn to stupid shit like the sims and whatnot. One might say i should've known before i got married and had a kid with this guy that shit would be bad. But my retarded self thought that the birth of our daughter would somehow rearrange his priorities. Not so. After isabella was born, he was fine for about a year. Then we got an internet connection in our new house. It's been over since then. Fucker spends a minimum of 4 hours playing that shit. Meanwhile, his 2 year old is turning on the gas burners in the kitchen and destroying the living room. She had tantrums two feet away from him, begging for attention. Fucker doesn't even notice. I gave him an ultimatum, told him to stop playing... All i get in return is: "you're just fixated on it" or: "it's just a game..." He lasted one week without playing, and believe me, he was quite a shit to be around. He claims I am trying to take away the only thing he likes to do. Something he enjoys. Imagine how flattered I was to hear that. Could you possibly write me back and give me some more ammo , so that when d-day (or E-day) comes, I will have something to stand on? I know you are not a shrink, but you do share the same opinions. Thanks, Mary Wow- honestly fucking WOW. Mary, in the calm and serene words of Joe Pesci, "Kill that motherfucker". That has to be the most pathetic and sad excuse for a man that I have heard since George Dubya Bush assumed office. The mere fact he's negelecting wife and child simply proves the negative tirade I launched against EQ. In all honesty Mary, if you can find an amicable way to leave him, do so. He'll quickly find that a lvl 78th Barbarian is a poor replacement for the love of your own flesh and blood. If all else fails, leave him bound and gagged tied naked to a lamp post in The Village, San Francisco, next to a tube of Ky jelly and a sign that reads "willing virgin, take a spin, sailor!". He won't last the night.  "That's right sugah. Send funboy our way. We'll toss his ass on the prodding-bed and go "Deliverance" on his tasty pasty white ass. MMM-mmMM! Momma luvs her some fresh geek." And there you have it folks. By no means were these the only emails I got tossed my way, but they certainly are the ones that stand out for me. They reside in that special hole where my heart used to be, and they feel like the burning. So until next time, continue sending me your emails, and I will continue largely ignoring them unless they have comedic value. Just kidding. I'll just ignore them. |
