The Jessie Ventura BiographyBy: Josh
Side note here,
Okay, you have to realize that with the preposterously large amount of people who live on the Internet in this day and age, somebody, somewhere, is gonna find just about anything entertaining. I mean there's sites that exist for the sole purpose of posting pictures of people eating shit. Not only that, but enough people must have liked it enough that the webmasters decided to charge money for viewing these pictures. Don't ask me; you can't account for people's tastes. On that note,
This site here linked my Mr. T biography a while ago, and
This site here linked my Ten Commandments sermon a few days ago.
Who knew? So, I'd like to thank them for it. Go to their sites, enjoy yourselves. Sorry, I've been lazy, these are getting farther and farther apart, but I haven't slept all night, so maybe it'll be a tad interesting.
Do any of you know what's more fun than filing a tax return? Don't lie to me, DO YOU? Well, I do -
- Watching Eddie Murphy take a shit is
- Ally Marcel dancing with an imaginary baby to Steve Miller is
- EVERY- FUCKIN'-THING is!
- Jesse Ventura, yeah Jesse Ventura definitely is. Case in point...
The Jesse "The Body" Ventura Biography...tee hee
"THE BABY EATER"
"Hey Kiddies, welcome to Madison Square Garden's I'm Jesse "The Baby Eater" Ventura, and this is how we do it. Look closely, there's the new me, in my pink spandex pantaloons, and the old me lying helplessly 2-dimensional on the floor. I had to take myself by surprise and give myself the old "boot to the head" trick. And boy, did it ever hurt me. You can tell I didn't know how much I'd been training recently. Look at the size of me compared to me! I'm a giant compared to me. But, this had to end quickly, cause I'm such a crafty bastard, I knew'd that I'd be in trouble if I let me get the better of myself. Plus Robin was waiting out in the Humvee, so -
I ripped my head off. Ouch kids, don't try that at home. I held it up for all the world to see: how weak I am, and HOW STRONG I AM! Then a giant, mutant cat came into The Garden's and tore the shit up! Damn, so much blood, so much death. And for what? FOR WHAT? This is Jesse "The Baby Eater" Ventura, reminding you to have your pets Spayed or neutred. I'll see you in DisneyLand..
WOW! HOLY SHIT! I think I just creamed them again! Jesse Ventura just killed himself! I don't think we've seen that much action since Run-DMC rapped at Westland. Moments like these don't come along often, I don't think he even saw himself coming. Wow! Well, I'd like to wish "The Baby Eater," his new wife Robin Tunney, and their sex kitten, Ed McMahon, many wonderful years of fetisha delight together. I wonder what Minnesota's gonna do without Jesse Ventura there. Maybe that's just one of those great, unanswered questions: why do women need their own shovels? How can a country exist with an evil Jesse Ventura on the loose? Maybe we'll never know...
But, I hope we've all learned our lesson for today: enjoy youth while you can, and when life gives you lemons, you damn well squirt the juice in Jesse Ventura's eye and run like hell - Spandex is very streamlined, he's probably twice all of our sizes, and that's just a huge bitch over all. You saw what he did: he ripped his own head of people! It really makes you think, doesn't it?