Jesus™: The Only 2000 Year Old Whore
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Jesus™: The Only 2000 Year Old Whore
By: Josh
08.10.01
(There's a lot of picture in this one, they're gonna take a long time to load,
and if any of them don't, just right click on them and press "show picture", and
they'll magically appear)
"HOLY CRAP!" was all spectators were moved to shout as Pat Boone's giant, Jesus Ballon floated bye, scaring the children.
In between switching jobs, giggling feverishly under my breath every time my new
supervisor would tell me where the "warshrooms" were, and proving to the
world-at-large that I'm an idiot in the new chat, I figured
why not throw out a quick, easy, crappy post to up content levels? Couldn't think
of any reason not to, everything I do is quick, easy and crappy. so I'm sacrificing
my sleep tonight to write this.
ME:"Hey. what's in that room over there Mr. Douglas?"
Archie Bunker(my new boss): "I tol' yas, thas the warshroom." PURE GOLD!
What it is, is a follow-up of sorts to Jesus-Shirts.
With the joy Dave got out of that one, I thought I'd do some more digging, and,
not only was I surprised, but I was . . .okay, my vocabulary is limited to "surprised"
and "BOOM! SHAKE THE ROOM!" but nonetheless, I was surprised to find that the
Jesus-Shirt community's ludicrously(yeah, I not only don't think I spelled that
right, but I'm pretty sure I just made it up) was only surpassed by the uncategorizable
Jesus-Products-who's-mere-existence-cannot-be-fathomed-by-lowly-human-common-sense
community. Follow?
The idea was that people would sit down and come up with slogans for shirts, like
"FIRED UP FOR JESUS" or "Read between the lines motherfucker, or
jesus will kill you and eat your babies!" to entice the X-Treme Christians
who go street-bibling, and downhill-praying, to wear DA COOLEST(sic) shirts. That's
one option, that or there actually is a God, and he hates these people too, the
shirts being his comedic revenge. That was the old ethos, but there's a whole
new game being played now, a game I like to call "Mary was a whore, we know it,
you know it, let's make "Jesus Loves Chili" soup ladles and sell
them for $1,000 on Ebay so I can afford to pay for my divorce!" Game, sponsored
by Warshrooms.
Who would have possibly guessed that there were such products as "The Kite Of
Jesus" and the "Hallelujah Clock" lurking around the
corner of jesus-consumeristic whore-galore fun? Jesus may love you
now, but how is he gonna feel when you've got a bible-shaped clock sitting on
your hearthstone that chants "HALLEJULAH" every hour on the hour
with a little, wooden, dancing apostle that comes out and steals your freshly-baked,
jesus-shaped shortbread cookies, all for $7.99? If anyone followed whatever it
was I just said, my bet is he's gonna be mighty pissed: if not for the picture
of him picking out a fresh sheep, then for the sheer stupidity of the damn clock.
Not only that, but then you have -
Mom: Come on Jimmy, let's go out and play with your Jesus-Kite.
Jimmy: but Moooom, all the other kids make fun of me because of it. Why is Jesus standing like that anyway?
Announcer:(voice-over) Well Jimmy, that picture is a reconstruction of
Jesus' Crucifixion: it's almost like the lord, our father, Jesus Christ is being
nailed an hung from your very own nylon toy on a watercoloury psychedelic acid-trip
made to remind you eternally why Jesus and christians are creepy as all fucking
hell.
Jimmy: Mommy, I'm scared of jesus.
Archie Bunker(my new boss): warshroom!! warshroom!!
Nothing out of the ordinary here, just "The Jesus Puzzle" and its
confusing existence, and a framed, velour painting of Jesus, either, a) humping
a large truck, or 2) . . .I don't know, all I see is Jesus humping that truck,
from behind no less. I'm sure there's a "keep on truckin'" joke in here somewhere,
or at least another opportunity to say "warshroom". But, back to the puzzle
for a second. I may not be a bible-scientist here, I'm only one man, but who,
dear God in heaven, who among the people who would actually BUY the bible puzzle
WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT SHAPE A CRUCIFIX IS? Anyone who has to put actual time and
work into assembling A FREAKING CROSS deserves to be shot on sight. "Hey that
guy bought a puzzle of a crucifix and couldn't figure it out . . . let's kill
him." Only in a perfect world, my boys and girls, only in a perfect world.
Announcer:(voice-over) Wake up every day with a warm cup of caffeine-free
sanka in your very own, "see you soon" Mug, singed personally by
Jesus! Just think, you don't get nearly enough reminders that you're
gonna die any day, likely painfully and violently, without Jesus being there to
seem happy about it. For those terminally ill, who don't drink imitation-coffee,
we have the "Jesus can't wait for you to die, you sickly piece of crap" mouse
pad. Great for a stocking stuffer: celebrate Jesus' next birthday
by acknowledging the fact that he wishes you were dead too.
The Jesus Night-Light: So creepy, you'll never sleep again!
Two blaring watts of Jesus, smiling and giving the thumbs up, while he watches
your children sleep . . .and plots . . .and plots.
The Jesus Wallet: Alright, we were really scraping the bottom of the barrel for this one. But hey, I've got 4 kids to feed, just buy it and shut up fatty!
Look good and hard at that watch. Right between the hour hand and the minute hand, we see a lovely engraving of "Jesus." Why does this exist? These are the reasons I can't sleep at night: pondering how the world can function with a velour painting of jesus schtuping a truck from the trunk, and a watch made by Jesus himself. I only regret that I didn't find any Jesus-Brand Shampoo. Or maybe some Pope-on-a-rope. Or maybe some even shittier jokes.
The only reason I included the Aunt Jemima Virgin Mary Night Light was because
Dave has the exact same one, so I'd planned to be all clever and make some world-famous
e-rev joke, that all would laugh at, while marveling that "DAVE HAS ONE OF
THE PRODUCTS?!?!LOL!?!?! HOW COULD IT BE?!?!" But he felt like
making me look like an ass, and couldn't find the damn thing, so, all I can say
is, at least it's not as creepy as the Jesus one (the man is smiling and giving
your naked, sleeping children the THUMBS UP! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!)
THE JESUS DOLL! KILL IT! KILL IT!
So, so far we've seen Jesus whored out as a wallet, a clock, a watch, a messiah,
a kite, but nothing was so surprising, nothing made me fall out of my chair laughing
and hit my head on the base of my oscillating fan until I saw the "Jesus ACTION
FIGURE DOLL" WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO WITH THIS THING? I used to have
A box full of He-Man and She-Ra toys myself, before my NT craze kicked in, and
I used to just beat the crap out of them with each other. If I had a Jesus-Doll,
I'm pretty sure he'd be the one sitting under my bed, with a knife saying "Hi,
I'm Jesus, will you be my friend?" right before he kills my parents and tries
to convince me to find an old, creepy voodoo man. I'd be getting calls in the
middle of thunderstorms, "I wanna play wif you Granpa, I wanna play wif you."
And Jesus would come and slit my Achilles Heel, then go on to star as that annoying
bastard that Michelle was friends with in Full House.
Personal
Sidenote: I've been getting a lot of flack lately for this, that or some other
jiggy thing, and honestly, I'm sick and tired of hearing all these people talk
about "what's the deal with this pop life, and when is it gonna fade out?" See,
the thing you got to realize is what we're doing is not a trend, we got the gift
of melody and we're gonna bring-it-to-the-end.
Over and over I find new reasons to hate this world. I know it doesn't matter
'bout the clothes they wear, or the ice around their neck, I recognize that it's
just about respecting men, women, boy's girl's, anyone who calls a 20-pound 90-carot
money-symbol-shaped diamond hanging around their necks "ICE", showing through
an unbuttoned, silk t-shirt, accentuated by the prepubescently unhairy chests
of said . . .people . . .who . . .FORCE ME TO MAKE RIDICULOUSLY LONG RUN-ON SENTENCES
LITTERED WITH COMMAS AND STUPID E-YELLING-CAPS-LOCKED CRAP THAT IS OFF-TOPIC BECAUSE
I GET SO FLUSTERED TRYING TO MAKE FUN OF N'SYNC AT 3 IN THE MORNING THAT I START
GOING CRAZY AND QUESTIONING MY PURPOSE IN THIS WORLD LIKE I WONDER WHY MY FATHER
PARKS HIS MINIVAN IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR FRONT LAWN OR HOW UPSET MY MOTHER GETS
WHEN SOMEONE USES THE $14 CAN-OPENER INSTEAD OF THE $7 ONE.
Look! Look! The License plate of idiots everywhere!
I don't have answers for these things, my family is fucking crazy, but I'm gonna pretend that that . . .stuff, was a clever play on bringing the topic back around to the fact that not even Jesus would know why someone, somewhere, would paint a velour picture of him humping an 18-wheeler from the rear.
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