a n i m a t i o n . w o r d s & p i c t u r e s . f o r u m

* * *

Jesus Shirts

By: Josh
03.23.01

"Bring it....BITCH!

To anyone who read yesterday's sermon: I apologize. That is what happens when creativity dries up. Sorry the title was still "Bible Boo-Boo's" on this one for a while too, I am a tool. Oh well, I kinda like this one. I used to know this wiener-kid named Chris back in high school. He had a bright yellow t-shirt that said "JESUS FREAK!" In Technicolor. Don't ask me why, he was really religious, and stupid, damn stupid. So, I got to thinking maybe there was pictures of other "JESUS FREAK" shirts, so I went looking around, let me tell you, I did not expect to find what I found.

This t-shirt company depicting Jesus as a creepy child-molesting, frog-fanatic, and telling us about how we should fuck Satan with our holy dicks, and ripping off just about everyone from Taco Bell to Regis Philbin. I don't know where these people come form, or who gave them access to a web site and a printing machine, but I bet you they're rotting in hell right now. Maybe you should just take a look for yourselves though. Give the pictures time to load, there's quite a few of them.

Okay to start this escapade, on the left we get our first "Child-molester" Jesus-shirts. Hey Mommy, guess what? I've been touched by Jesus! Look! Do you wanna be touched by Jesus? Well, for $7.95 you canŠ..Jesus is a whore. And, it may just be me here, but quite an odd choice of slogan on the right. First off, this may be the crack talking, but I don't automatically associate frogs with ChristianityŠdo you? Could this be their secret way of telling us that frogs are the missing link to religion, or trying to capitalize on all the frog-lovers/dumb-ass Christians at once? Who knows, but look at that slogan! Look at it! "Don't croak with out Jesus! Fuck me, who comes up with the stuff? They're trying to be cute in a slogan talking about is dying! IN A LAME ATTEMPT AT HUMOR! AHH! CRACK!

Okay, oh god, hang on, waitŠ.aAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Cut to scene of several kids sitting around a living room.
Kids(together): We're BoredŠ.*sigh*
Voiceover: Hey kids, wanna get HIGH?
Kids(together): YEAH!!!! WE WANT CRACK!
Voiceover: No, no, no kids, we've got a new drug for youŠ..
Kids: HUH? What?
Voiceover: It's JESUS! (dramatic music - Jesus Pops up from behind the couch)
Jesus: Hey kids, take a hit of this..(smacks one boy in face with Bible)
Smacked Kid: WOW! I've been touched by Jesus!(Jesus gropes kids)
And look at that other one? If 'you'd been nailed up to a cross, and died while hanging there, would you want someone making extreme light of it, in a LAME ATTEMPT AT HUMOR? Awww, that's so cute: Jesus did love me as much as they could stretch out his arms while nailing his hands to the woodŠŠaww. God damn these people can't even come up with original bad slogansŠ what's next:

? Idiots!

Okay, another double-shot of bad-slogan rip-offitis. It's like a disease with these people. I wonder what the ideas they rejected looked likeŠ..I like how, just to make sure there's no misconceptions that someone might be kicking it in a life SAVERS shirt, and not a life SAVIOR one, they make sure to subtly place Jesus' name down there. Maybe they had a rule that no shirt could go without Jesus' name on it. If I was Taco Bell and/or the life savers franchise, I'd sue their asses to hellŠ..isn't stealing a sin people? And they didn't even steal anything good here. MY head is starting to hurt..badly. You see what I go through for you people?

I'm not too sure what they mean by that first shirt there. It kinda seems like a "no fear" ideaŠ.TRY A CRUCIFIX ON FOR SIZE SINNER! or THIS AINT YOUR DADDY'S CRUCIFIX, BOY! I mean, with a font like that, you know somebody out there means pure, crucified business. As for the Magnavox-type one: that one almost writes it's own jokes. First off - why is the man reading a gigantic bible? Why is he not holding on to his gigantic bible? How is this gigantic Bible able to support it's own weight to stand up when it's blowing some mighty powerful JESUS POWER out it's front end? I mean that man's tie is in quite the disarray, as is the picture of Jesus on the wall - why doesn't the Bible fall over too? More death imagery in this one as well: BLOWN AWAY by the word of God. Yep, those crazy, morbid bastards.

Put all your worries behind you now, we've got the Jesus Pain Reliever. I really don't know if they were trying out one of those LAME ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR, or were being serious here. Either way, it's still stupid. It advertises a "never-ending supply" of relief form physical, mental, and emotional achesŠtee heeŠ.and problems associated with or due to heartachesŠŠthis sucksŠ.I can't make fun of it, it's just dumb, I don't know what to say. Seriously, there was 5 whole pages of this crapŠI just don't get that one. No matter, I've still got the second one. Okay, anyone remember NWA? Niggaz wif attitood? Straight outta Compton., beeetch! Also, and perhaps even MORE laughable, was NWO, the WCW's tired way of trying to revive Sting (the wrestler) and Hulk Hogan's careers. I don't know which one they were cleverly trying to rip-off, you decide which one is funnier, and laugh to itŠ.I fucking love this one! And look, LOOK! They even put a 3:!6 down there! So maybe it's 3:11, but GOD DAMN that's hilariousŠ.imagine your local pastor on Saturdays. Out mowing the lawn, with a LUKE 3:11 shirt onŠ.NWC baby, NWC! Jesus 3:16!!!!!

Next up in the shameless, dumb-assed slogan rip-off department. "Jesus: that is my final answer." Holy crap I hope someone got fired for that. I'm spitting on the first person I see wearing this thing. The next one confused me a tad: sure, Jesus Saves, great! But does that mean he only saves Pisces? Who are American? This one's as confusing as the bibleŠis Jesus racist? Jesus sucks: THAT IS MY FINAL ANSWER! Well , I think I recovered well there.

I'm sorry, all I'm seeing is a giant, circumcised penis, with a halo of light around it. I guess that's what "Jesus is the light," means. Jesus is the light of your penis men, go forth and spread the holy light. I like how they're sneaking the subliminal phallic messages in their shirts, not that I wanna give these slags the satisfaction of claiming that they even know how to spell subliminal message, but I don't know, when I look at the next shirt, I wonder. First off, they seemed to have underlined the "ick" in stick, making it stand out more than the rest. Yeah, but they said we have big, ugly dicks, I don't think I like that, not at all. So, what do we get from this? Jesus is the light of your penis, your penis is mighty and righteous, go "beat" the Devil with your big, righteous, Jesus-penis.

Mommy? Why does Jesus stand in the doorway and watch me when I'm taking a bath? 'Cause Jesus was touched when he was a little boy son(Jesus gropes mother and son)
Kids once again in living room. This time, high on bible
Kid one: I feel so full of Jesus right nowŠ
Kid two: I knowŠ..he's all in me, I feel like I'm bursting with Jesus
Voiceover: Hey twats!
Kids: Who was that?
Voiceover: Check out this (shirt on right pops up from behind couch.)
Kids(put on shirts): WOW! It really looks like Jesus is sticking his hand right through my tummy.
Voiceover: Remember kids, if Jesus ever offered to give you a ride in his car, or candy, ESCPECIALLY candy, take itŠ..cause Jesus never offers twice.
Kids: YAY!!!
Jesus is a creepy, creepy man kids, stay away from him.(Jesus gropes narrator).

What the hell does that mean. Someone explain it to me, please. More frogs! Why? The lord is coming back? WHERE DID HE GO? I'm getting tired of this, these idiots are hurting my head these are the last ones I can subject myself to. Jesus, does this make sense to anyone? Why didn't they get a picture of an animal that was hanging off something? Why is the frog an untapped religious symbol? I don't know! I really don't. Oh well, at least they redeemed themselves with stupid slogan rip-off number 666,666,666.I could understand if it was a pair of underwear, to correlate with the holy-penis ideas they've been portraying, but -it's-just-stupid!

Hell, even good, ole Matlock got in on the action. What can I say? I don't know what to make of this veritable gold mine of crap. If you care to know, those shirts retail for around $8 or $9 each, though I don't imagine anyone but me has ever been to the site. Oh yeah, remember that Chris guy I mentioned? The "Jesus FREAK!" guy? Well he went to Toronto last summer, whored himself out for 40 bucks, became gay, and denounced his religion. True storyŠŠ.

* * *