a n i m a t i o n . w o r d s & p i c t u r e s . f o r u m

* * *

The Apostles Got High... Man

By: Josh
01.31.01

Well they're at it again; those crazy religious "historians," as they like to call themselves, have uncovered what they believe to be "scientific" confirmation that a person named Jesus of Nazareth actually existed. What can I say, Islam-bashing "coming soon," I just can't stay away from this guy. Now, they claim he was born in October or sometime around then, four years or so before the infamous year 0; when women were women and men were messiahs. They claim a lot of shit about cosmology and Einstein's Theory of Relativity, the discovery of the Shroud of Turin, WHOOPDEEDOO, I'm not gonna map it out for you, go to WWW.REASONS.ORG if you want an E-suppository. But, honestly, so fucking what? There was also a guy named Minnesota Fats who ACTUALLY EXISTED. What does this prove? That a drunken dumbass can pull some other dumbasses name out of a hat? Hey, I'm proud, they did a good job of pulling a dumbassed name out of a hat, and managed to spell it right even. Is there an extra gold-fucking-star on their foreheads now, or what? Is this supposed to make us think, "you know, they've proved that Jesus really existed, they must be right about everything else too." Fuck that. What about Astro Jetson my friends? What about Astro Jetson? He can TALK! HELLO! It's not like we can't go back in time and disprove he could turn water to wine after walking on it, or whatever the hell else crazy shit they claimed he did (insert resurrection joke). They were just playing the odds back then:

John: "Shit, man, everyone likes drinking wine, tell them this dude makes it out of water... burp... pass that shit man. Pass it. Shit, it's canoeing"

Paul: "Dude, that rocks man, I'm puttin' that shit down." Their water was undrinkable back then, so anyone would follow someone they claimed could turn it into wine. I would. After continuing to get high, they start going a little overboard, a la:

Peter: "ok man, man listen to this, snicker, snicker, "

Andrew: "what? Man tell me. Giggle."

Peter: "ok, snicker, what if we, snicker, what if we could all walk across water, man, that's be sooo cool.

Paul: Laughs for five minutes, "Yes, I'm writing that shit down too"

Once again, a man not tainted by their disgusting water, exploiting peoples weak spots here. For those of you who don't know who the hell those guys are supposed to be, they're the Apostles, who supposedly followed Jesus around, and wrote the books about him. The odds I was implying there were that all the other stoners in Jerusalem would think the book was funny too. The gist of which, with pictures, being-

Philip: "I don't care what you guys say, man, in my book, God IS gonna be a burning bush. You can make him a chocolate bar of you want-"

James The Lesser: "Dude, he's a twenty-foot-tall Mars bar, think about it-"

Philip: suddenly serious. "I. . .don't. . .care. Man, people will never get that, I don't give a shit how tall you make it,"

James The Lesser: "but it's funny shit-maaaannnn- ah you're right I love you dude. Lets never fight again."

Thomas: "Shut up you guys," a pencil carefully balanced on his nose, "look at this. Six minutes man. Six minutes!"

Philip: "We have to make sure we make God say this stuff is cool to smoke too." It's in there, I swear. Look it up.

Paul: "Oh yeah, I almost skipped that part."

Then Andrew and James the Greater come back with a half ounce, after smoking a half ounce-

Andrew (on left): "Word up, ma brothas! BOOYAAAH"

James the Greater (on right): "WASSSSSUP!"

Then they all take of to Sodom and Gomorrah in Paul's microbus for a party, and, hell, the rest is history.

This may seem a little over-the-top, or ludicrous, but the entire Catholic religion is ludi-FUCKIN'-crous (I love the part of the sermon where I get to insert the word FUCKIN" into the middle of another word, I certainly hope you do too).

Oh yeah before I forget; why the Hell do cats eat bugs? Someone please tell me. Do they taste good? Or what? I once saw a cat eat over a half a dozen crickets in one day?!?!?!?! It was disgusting. She CHEWED THEM for fuck's sake!

And, why do dogs insist on licking their crotches-their assholes-and then my face? Are they trying to get the taste out of their mouths? Why the hell is my leg so arousing to them?

Lastly, why must mice and other rodents piss and shit on my hands every time I pick them up? EVERY TIME. Is it their sick fetish to piss on us, or does my hand smell like a toilet? I'd really like to know.

In summation, (and I promise I'll have more pictures for you soon) a bunch of drunk, pot-smoking morons, wrote this book that they thought they could pawn off to the public as a religious satire, sobered up, came down, and realized it was stupid. They threw it in the attic where it was found years later by their offspring, who thought to unite and take over the world with some crazy shit their parents wrote while tripping out on LSD. Now, they must have been sharp motherfuckers, 'cause they managed to dose, what, like 100 or however many people it was, and convince them they saw Jesus rising from the dead. Then, when everyone reads it a couple hundred years down the line, laugh their asses off, and discards it as senseless jibba jabba, they feel that they can convince us that it's all true just because someone named Jesus actually did exist. Well, someone named Joshua Ruckstuhl exists, and no one seems to give fuck about, lots of people exist who die uncared for in this lackaday world, so why should we give a fuck about Jesus and his drunken followers? Fuck you Church. Go to Hell.

I need to take a second away form this sermon business to say a somber word or two about myself, that's me on the left, to the half dozen people who actually read this. It's personal, so if you don't really give a fuck, be my guest and go watch all of Dave's cartoons over and over, 'cause you'll like them a lot more than this. I do appreciate you for visiting me here, and reading my ramblings, but I'm having a hard time on my end of the spectrum, and I have to vent it. I don't sleep much these days, for reasons we don't need to get into, but, when I do get some sleep, after I wake up I am convinced that this is a worthless waste of my time, it honestly goes on for hours and hours. I start thinking that I should close Dot-Communism down, apologize for wasting all of your time, and then go kill myself. I even hate that name, the more I think about it, "Dot-Communism" was the only thing I could think up at the time. After I've been awake for far too long though, I get kinda loopy, think up something I think is funny to write about, and then it's up here. I don't even remember what I originally intended to write about over a week ago when I thought this up, but it's not what I have been writing about, or how I'm writing. I honestly just rip off other sites, some are my favorites, and some I didn't even know about before I started doing this. You can understand how depressing this is; when you start to think you're finally doing something worthwhile, and it blows up in your face, you realize your worthless, full of shit, and will die alone, hopefully sooner than later. Try dealing with that all day, everyday. Some of you do, I realize, and I sympathize.

Use these links to realize what talented people do with their time, links to people who rant about things-and the way-I do, but far better than I do, and some people who just rant, but still do it better than I could. These are just some of the ones I've seen, I'm sure there are more.

Shoot the Stupid
Ins0mnia - who were nice enough to allow me the use their Jesus pictures.
SuburbanPunk
I am my own God
Electronic Whore
X-Entertainment - who didn't yell at me for stealing that possum picture.
Ins0mnia-X

Please go to them all, and bookmark them, they are truly masters of their art, and I am but a humble fanboy. If you like my stupid shit, you'll stop coming here just to spend more time at their sites. If only there was some way to listen to that girl from Shoot The stupid's voice, I love australian accents. For some odd reason, I just realized is that half of them are insomniacs like me; kindred spirits? I can't believe how much I wish dot-communism was more like them. Anyway, I put this at the bottom so you, conveniently had to read my sermon before taking off to these sites. I also have to apologize for the lack of a sermon yesterday, for the deterioration in quality of my sermons as well. I've been trying hard to fit in here at FUCKSOCIETY, trying to keep my humor at par, and my topics in true form with people who FUCKSOCIETY, i.e.; the governmental, religious, entertainment-related, etc, etc. And now I'm stuck bitching about religion and the government. I just wanted to let you know that I know how much I'm not pulling this off, how bad a writer, and cynical rebellious teenager I really am. If I take any extended breaks, you'll know why, not that you care. 'Til next time, keeping on fucking.

* * *