a n i m a t i o n . w o r d s & p i c t u r e s . f o r u m
* * *
Evil? What IS Evil?By: Josh06.29.01 Man, I'm in a rut. Would you like to sit around all the time trying to find new ways to amuse yourselves(....perverts) while always taking into account that you have to find a way to tie it in to Jesus? I think I got bored a long time ago trying to chart out my personal views on it all. No one cares, and it's getting boring. I guess it just seemed more entertaining to look for ways to make fun of it instead. Well I got really bored the other night. Decided to scrape myself off the computer and watch some TV. It was 4 am and I ate a pie. A whole pie. Banana Cream to be exact, so I'm not sure if I hallucinated all of this or not, but I noticed an odd trend in how "Evil" is presented. It took me a while to figure out how I could make it about Jesus..but I'm liking these scrolling Marquee's. Anyway, here we go, a point-for-point evil encyclopedia a la ME.  "Where da muthafukkas at?" "I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace and CREATE EVIL: I the LORD do all these things." Isaiah 45:7. Alright God, but what IS evil? I know you're all thinking: "It's Eminem and his refusal to answer fan mail ON TIME, isn't it?" Well, I know, I know, they coulda been together. But. no, it's not him. "Is it how the world so easily 'forgot about Dre?'" You know, in some ways, it's like Dre never even left. Through careful deduction, and a few hours of late night/early morning television re-runs, I can now, with all sincerity(would TV lie to me?) state that "evil" boils down to fake Goatees and bad make-up(not necessarily in that order). Exhibit A:  
Look at that sucker scroll! Micheal Knight, as seen on TV's Knight Rider, and his "Evil Twin", Garthe. Both played by barrelchested, flaming heterosexual David "these pants just aren't tight enough" Hasselhoff himself. But....which is which? How are we, the casual Knight Rider viewer to know what makes which the evil one? Some may get confused by the fact one is smiling, and the other is not, and yet even more might get confused as to what the hell Knight Rider is, and EVEN moore might be confused as to why the hell I won't-just-shut-up. Note Garthe Knight(on right)and his swashbuckling facial hair and pale, pale make-uped skin. I think this is an open-and-shut case of Evil. Clearly shown are the show's costume designer's ingenious methods to make David Hasselhoff look immensely more evil. You know, or just immensely Gay, who's really to say? All for less than the price of the mousse in his hair. Exhibit B:  
 
I know, Star Trek AND Knight Rider all in one night, well at least I don't look like a pirate. I'm looking at you Hasselhoff! Unfortunately Evil Kirk didn't get the Goatee like Evil Spock, I guess looking like a transvestite is good enough though. I said bad make-up, didn't I? Oddly, not that I'm saying Star Trek was a really dumb-ass show with shitty, recycled ideas, but both those (Evil Kirk and Evil Spock) episodes involved some "malfunction" of the transporter. Just have to find new ways to get good old Fatso Cassock Ass fumbling with the "Evil" Switch, and Gene Roddewhatever can keep churning out the gold! So, from these examples, proving that the most detailed ways to make someone look Evil, coupled with That episode of Chachi in Charge when Scott Baio became evil and donned am evil college letterman jacket, and killed the kids(oddly I couldn't find a picture . . .) what are we to learn? I did say I was in a rut. A very banana-creamy rut. Oh well, SUPRISE I'm about to call Jesus evil. Conclusion:  
There you go. The ONLY way I could tie it into Jesus: see? "Satan" doesn't have a beard.....but Jesus....does. God dammnit, that was really short and stupid...let's make fun of more people Exception:  Product Endorsements: 
 "Colt 45 nevah fuhgot Dre...sweet, sweet Colt 45" 
Where do you store 1 $400 life-sized bag of flesh-coloured silly putty disguised as a sexual toy for fat, bald computer programmers who haven't left their house since the last Comicon? I mean, obviously you're not wanting to show off your horribly deprived sex life if you're schtupping a giant breast implant with penis-sized crevices! Do you stuff "her" under the bed? Would it fit under the bed? Do you take it out on runs to the market? Who buys these things? Why does this thing exist? What would the neighbors think when UPS pulls up carrying a box covered with "Rainbow Toys" and "Feels so real, you'll never know the difference" and "Brand NEW vibro-technology, just plug her in and let her go"? And Most importantly, would Evil David Hasselhoff endorse such a product? My head suddenly hurts. Good night. |
