For the second installment of Rip-Off week here at Dot-Communist, I'm ripping off X-Entertaiment to celebrate Valentine's Day. I bet you can't even tell the difference. Eh? EH? Bah, I actually had a good night's sleep last night, so don't expect this to be funny. I would've posted it earlier, but I was playing Nintendo most of the day. And no, I'm not making fun of the guys at X-Entertainment, I'm as much a nerd as they are. So, for any of you disgusting love birds, all happy and paired up, a la anyone who has a stupid Valentine, this is the answer to your greatest question: how did Valentine's Day originate? Well, it was in Eternia. This isn't neccessarily accurate to real life, just what the church claims happened. Oh yeah, if you click up there on the link that says "read this article" maybe we can get the guys from X-E to come here, and make some shit hit some fans. Actually that article is far superior to this one, you should just read it, and save yourself the headache.  Ý Ý 
 Ý Ý  Claudius: Lacky? Lacky: Yes, Claudius - Emporer of Rome, circa 200 A.D. - what can I do for you? Claudius: I'm bored, whom can we beat the shit out of? Let's have a war. You know, a little of the old R & P! Lacky: Well, to be honest sire, I don't believe your subjects will be up for a war. Men with a wife and kids don't want to fight, or rape, or even pillage anymore.  Ý Ý  Claudius: "Here he comes, here comes speed racer, he's a demon on wheels." Lacky: Sire, uhm, Speed Racer isn't due to air for a good millennia or two. In point of fact, neither is the television or, uhm, electricity. Claudius: . . . . .~cough~  Ý Ý  [Later] Lacky the Second: Sire? What happened to Lacky? Claudius: I had him executed for displeasing meÖ. Lacky the Second: OhÖwellÖuhm...Howdy! Howdy! Howdy! I'm Lacky! Claudius: ~yawn~ It's been done. Take a memo Lacky- Lacky the Second: A memo Sire? What's a- Claudius: "Let it be known henceforth that all marriages shall be nulled, and the act of marriage shall be deemed icky, and therefore, against the law." Lacky the Second: I'm not sure that will curb people from wanting to get married Sire. Claudius: Well, we'll spread word of some cootie cases caught from those filthy foreigners. Yes, that should get them filthy fornicators in the killing spirit. HAW! HAW! HAW! Lacky the Second: bah-BAH-bah-baH-BAHH-BAHH-BAh-bah-bah-He-MAAAN! Claudius: . . . you're treading on thin ice Lacky, thin ice.  "He-Man!"  Ý Ý  Saint Valintine: What? A war? Rape? Pillage? Tom and Nicole? Divorced? Marriage? Illegal? NO! Not J-Lo! Tell me its not true magic bracelet of fortune and winning lottery numbers, TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE! Stinky Pete: Valentine?!?! Who's yoo talkin' to man, they ain't no's body here. Saint Valentine: Quiet you! I must think.  Ý Ý  Stinky Pete: Well, looky heah Valentine. I'll be dang-gone-gummit if my bracelet ain't be shinin' all purdy like too. What choo sayin' der? The Lord is a monkey? I jes' plum firgot muh name. Dang Saint Valentine: I said QUIET YOU![Bif]  Ý Ý  [Tea Time] Saint Valentine: I must not stop marrying people. War is wrong. This looks like a job for the preacher man with a bottled tan, aka SAINT VALENTINE!. Stinky Pete: Hoo Doggie, jes' like de old days, but why'd choo punch me? Saint Valentine: No time for talk Stinky, I must act fast.  Ý Ý  Ý Ý  [Later] Saint Valentine: Hey guys, so, you looking to get married or what? Man with giant hand who gives much pleasure to small boys: I don't know Valentine, what aboot these cooties we've been hearing aboot? [note: he's also Canadian] Small boy: And isn't marriage illegal now? Isn't J-Lo a really shitty record? Saint Valentine: No more than her last album, small boy, no more than her last album. The Emperor is trying to fool you mindless townsfolk with lies aboot, I mean about, cooties just to get you to sign up for his war. Man with giant hand who gives much pleasure to small boys: All right then you hoser, me and small boy'll let ya hitch us up. Small boy: Did he call us mindless? Saint Valentine: Quiet you!  Ý Ý  [Soon] Saint Valentine: I now pronounce you "man and boy" Man with giant hand who gives much pleasure to small boys: I love yoo small boy. Small boy: I love you too. Man with giant hand who gives much pleasure to small boys: Give us a kiss. And now, time for some consummatin' Small boy: I think someone stole my wallet.  Ý Ý  News flash: Since the recent ban on marriages and love, and relationships, men have been finding themselves spontaneously, well, I'm sure the pictures will speak for themselves. Right in the middle of downtown people, look at that! Jesus, that's disgusting, but IÖcan'tÖlookÖaway.  Ý Ý  [Elsewhere] Saint Valentine: That bastard fucking Emperor threw me in jail bearded man. Just for marrying people, and speaking out against his dumb-assed war. Bearded man: Rape & Pillage Val, Rape & Pillage. It's the "in" thing. Saint Valentine: I'm cold. Why couldn't he have at least put me in a palace cell? Bearded Man: R-AND FUCKIN'- P! Saint Valentine: I can see your point, yeah, and he did give me this nifty pink vest. I'm slated for execution on the 14 you know. Bearded man: Make sure to wear clean underwear, children. Saint Valentine: I love you Bearded man. Bearded man: . . .I think someone stole my wallet.  Ý Ý  Ý Ý [Execution Day] Everyone: GASP ! ! ! HE WAS A ROBOT ALL ALONG ! ! Bearded man: ~sniff~ He left me a note, and I quote: "Thank you for the muffins Bearded man, I love you, from Your Valentine ~sniff~ God bless that man. Emporer: Hey, that bastard stole my wallet. The end.  Ý Ý  Ý Ý  Obligatory moral for the day: What the fuck is this? You don't put me in the entire Valentine's Day A Go-Go episode, so you just throw me in to do the moral? Oh well, HEY, who wrote that? I'm getting a new agent, I'm sick of this shit. Take it down, or I walk. Anyway kiddies, today's moral is: never trust anyone, 'cause they could be a robot. And robots, although capable of love, almost always try to steal your wallet. Roll credits.  Well, there you go. That's how it all started, although I always felt the church down-played bearded-man's involvement. So yeah, another holiday on which we celebrate the death of a good person. HUZZAH! It's the love holiday, and we celebrate the day they executed Saint Valentine. Jesus, you Catholics are fucked-up. Even if it wasn't funny, you have to appreciate how fucking long it took me to get that picture of Orko with semen all over him. Oh well, Happy Valentine's day folks, I'll see you all in hell. josh@thefucksociety.com | |||
"Welcome
to He-Man's Valentine's Day a Go-Go Special, did you know that one in every
five police officer smokes marijauna? No? Well try to keep up, dummies. Today's
episode is a true story about the origin of Valentine's day, with He-Man
as the valiant Saint Valentine. Oh, and I'm not wearing any pants. Hey, this
crap ain't scripted here. So, without further jibba or jabba, sit back, open
a beer and enjoy "Master's of The Universe Valentine's Day a Go-Go"...