a n i m a t i o n . w o r d s & p i c t u r e s . f o r u m
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FUCKSOMETHING GUIDE: IMPROVING YOUR SEX LIFE ... WITH SEX!Posted by: Bob09.10.03 Unless your name is Silvia Saint, Chasey Lain or Mother Theresa, sexual intercourse can be unrewarding and mundane. Authors from around the world, possibly beyond, have taken to writing many helpful sex books and booklets (if you're female) to aid those who have lost their sass... also providing extra material for Linux fans to jerk it to. Sex experts (or sexperts for short. Get it? No? I'll explain later) have managed to discredit these works as little more than "furry fanfiction" and thusly Japanese businessmen are suffering from a death of helpful guides that aren't telling them to paint faces with their spruce juice. But not anymore! With this very guide I have composed, and the erotic help of Red Hot Chili Peppers liner notes and films featuring George Clooney, no housewife will ever have to resort to ordering an extra pint of the white stuff from the milkman ever again! If Flea thanking the people who made his bass or the blockbuster film "Ocean Eleven" fail to tell me why people are left sexually unfulfilled, then I've just about lost all faith in funk rock and terrible movies! My life will be what's commonly refered to as "over". So let's begin with an investigative look into fantasies. When I say "fantasies" I'm not talking about Mickey Mouse and dancing slop buckets because then you'd be confusing me with "fantasia" or pretty much every other film made by Disney. Sexual fantasies are the foundation of any good sex life, it gives the people an opportunity to see their significant other as something other than "unconscious cheerleader"... unless of course that is your fantasy! This mental attraction comes with a physical side as well and that too has a name. "Roleplay". When I say "roleplay" I'm not talking about people who dress up like an engineer from the sixties and role what appears to be ten die taped together, because then you'd be confusing me with "a fucking nerd" or pretty much every other film made by Disney.  Here we see a right and wrong way of going about mixing "fantasy" with "roleplay". The large red cross indicates the "wrong" way and the large green tick indicates the "right" way (Just avoiding confusion there). Dressing up and prancing around like Gandalf is going to arouse nothing more than laughter which'll more than likely be directed at you with the odd pointed finger and thrown can of coca cola, so if you don nothing more than a sturdy piece of wood you'll never encounter any possibility of that occuring. Just memorize these two important points and you're set! 1) Use the wood on her upper body. Enough blows will render her unconscious and give you the chance to dress up like whoever the hell you want without ever having to hear "wait a minute, you're not a real doctor!" ever again.Obviously this won't be enough to satisfy our perverted desires, especially since Viagra now lasts for an extra two hours and women come equipped with mace or "huge boyfriends". So what other secrets do we need to uncover? That's right, fear! Treating your partner to a quiet night of "Jeepers Creepers" isn't enough anymore. What does that do, anyway? Man: "When it gets to any gruesome parts I'll cover your eye, dear."I'm talking about installing a dominate factor of fear inside her brain that'll transform her into, what the press like to call, a "sex slave". What better way to prevent boredom in the bedroom than by having your partner doing absolutely anything you say, risk you "offing the dog"? If being subjected to vicious cum baths every hour gives her the unusual idea of "contacting the police" you can remove the drips, which are intravenously giving her such luxuries as the ability to live, and go fetch another prostitute. Successfully disposing of any bodies will not be addressed in this guide because hey, this isn't that sort of guide!  The above diagram is self-explanatory. Ensuring her entire family is above the firey pit will gift you with total control. Remind her of this after every sex act you force her to perform by lowering the relatives until their feet become nothing more than ash. I won't get into how to acquire such pits or avoiding raised suspicion because of the cries of agony edmiting from your apartment in this guide, because hey, this isn't that sort of guide! So in essence, the key to a prolonged and enjoyable sex life is giving into your most animal of instincts and running away from the law for such crimes of passion. If you don't feel as though you can give this one hundred and ten percent then I suggest going back to programming in Linux, you goddamn virgin. Only people with healthy sex lives, or rapists, will truely understand the value of my years of experience. To round this chapter up I'll give advice on the following "obligatory" positions for any first-timers who are unsure of what they're doing so they don't go down the same road as any limpy who's reading this for the pictures. DOGGYSTYLE: Add five extra men.Good luck! |
